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How do you know you're queer? (written by a queer woman)
- Amanda Bridge
- Mar 29
- 10 min read
If you're wondering, "How do I know I'm queer?" then you're already starting an exciting journey of self-discovery—and that deserves to be met with plenty of kindness, patience, and curiosity.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
Hi, I'm Amanda, and I was 30-years-old when I realized I was queer.
Coming out at 30 felt complicated because even though I was “young,” I still felt like I missed out on some queer orientation that everyone got in college. In other words, it felt like everyone else got a head start, and now I had to play catch-up.
For years, I had no clue what "queer" even meant, let alone whether I fit into that box. I spent my 20s feeling like something was off, questioning why I couldn't just get it right in relationships, and why things like sex and dating just felt "off." Growing up in a religious home, I thought it was just me—I thought something was wrong with me for not falling into the "straight woman" mold.
It wasn’t until my 30s that everything clicked. I realized the problem wasn’t with me—it was that I didn’t fit the script I’d been handed, and that was okay.
This process of understanding your identity can feel messy, confusing, and downright overwhelming at times, but here’s the thing: You’re not alone. And you don’t have to follow some one-size-fits-all path.
So, how do you know if you're queer? Here are a few ways to start figuring that out:
1. Take the pressure off. You don’t have to figure it all out right now
First things first: don’t stress about having all the answers right away. It’s totally okay not to know exactly who you are or what label, if any, fits you best right now. The beauty of this journey is that you get to take it at your own pace. Labels can be helpful for some people, but they’re not a requirement. You don’t need to rush into choosing one, and you definitely don’t have to settle on a fixed identity if that doesn’t feel right.
You can take your time to explore what feels comfortable, authentic, and true for you. Be kind to yourself in the process—it’s all about discovery, not a race to figure out a neat little box to check.
2. On the topic of labels, know that you don't have to pick a label and stick to it forever
A lot of people feel like they need to have a perfect label for themselves. "Am I gay?" "Am I straight?" "Am I bi?" What if I change my mind?
Here’s the truth I wish I’d known much earlier: you don’t have to know exactly what label you fit into, really ever.
For years, I struggled with labels. When I first came out, I thought I was bi, then I came out as a lesbian. But as I spent time in therapy and really unpacked how I wanted to live my life, I realized something huge—labels are things we made up to categorize people, not to define them. I was so stressed about picking a label, thinking it would dictate how I should live, when I should’ve been doing the opposite: living freely, without letting a label box me in.
Even if you think you fit neatly into a label, I can almost guarantee that you’ll realize it doesn’t fully define you once you stop letting it control you. When you come out, you don’t have to trade one set of boxes for another.
Once I gave myself permission to just be without the pressure of labels, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Today, if people ask, and they rarely do, I just say I’m “queer,” “sapphic,” or “pansexual.” While I most identify as a lesbian, I believe I—and everyone else—has the capability to love anyone, so strict labels like “lesbian,” "gay," and “straight” just don’t really resonate with me.
All this to say: you don’t need to know what label fits you. The years I spent trying to figure out where I fit in the queer community weren’t as important as I thought. Now, I can just relax and be myself, knowing I can love whoever the heck I want.
What you can do: If you’re struggling with figuring out your label (or whether you need one at all), take some time to reflect on what feels good for you. You can try journaling or simply sitting with your feelings. It's all about discovering what resonates with you, not what others say.
3. Pay attention to how you feel, not just what you’ve been told to feel
It’s easy to get caught up in societal expectations when it comes to attraction. For so long, I thought I had to follow a specific path that fit neatly into the box society gave me: dating men, being straight, and not questioning it. But when I was honest with myself, I realized something wasn’t clicking. I felt disconnected from the idea of dating as a straight person, and I began to question whether I was just “broken.” Was I doing something wrong?
But then, I started to realize that attraction and love don’t fit into one-size-fits-all boxes.
What you can do:
Listen to your body. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around certain people—how does your body react? Do you feel an emotional pull when thinking about people you’re attracted to? Notice the subtle changes in how your energy shifts when you connect with someone. Maybe it’s a spark, a nervous excitement, plain anxiety, or a calm comfort. Something I learned was all the butterflies I had felt on dates when I was straight was actually anxiety, and when I went on my first date as a woman, I almost wrote it off because of how calm I felt.
"I don't know, I felt too calm, like I wasn't nervous. So I think that means I didn't care about them romantically. I'm definitely straight," I had told my friend. No, Amanda, you just feel comfortable around women. Anxiety does not equal attraction, feeling safe and excited does.
Sometimes, we’re so caught up in what we’re supposed to feel based on labels or expectations that we forget to pay attention to the most important thing: how we actually feel. When I started tuning into my emotions and physical reactions instead of following a set narrative, I started to understand myself better. And that's when I truly began to get in touch with who I was, not who I was told I should be.
So, take the time to really observe yourself. How do your body and mind react to people? The more you listen, the clearer it will become.
4. Question what you've been told about queerness
For a long time, I was taught that being queer was something to be ashamed of. I grew up in a religious household where being queer was not only sinful, but something that didn’t even apply to people like me—because I was "normal." But the moment I began questioning everything I’d been taught—religion, love, and identity—that’s when I realized just how many harmful and false narratives I had internalized.
Here's the thing: the idea that queerness is "unnatural" or "wrong" is a relatively modern concept. Before colonialism and the spread of Christianity, many cultures didn't even have labels for queerness because it was simply considered a natural part of human diversity. Indigenous cultures in North America, for example, recognized multiple gender identities including two-spirit, and saw same-sex relationships as integral parts of society. People didn't have to fit into rigid boxes because there was no "normal" way of being. The imposition of colonial Christian ideologies, which criminalized and condemned queerness, is largely responsible for shaping the harmful attitudes toward LGBTQ+ people that persist today.
I had to start questioning: Is this belief about queerness still serving me? Is this belief based on something true, or is it rooted in colonialism, fear, or control? If I feel shame or guilt around my feelings, where does that come from? What if I let go of the belief that I need to conform?
Unlearning harmful societal norms is a slow and challenging process, but it’s so important. It's not just about questioning religion or societal rules; it’s about peeling back layers of historical conditioning and allowing yourself to reclaim your identity in your own terms.
What you can do:
Start with small questions. Ask yourself, "Is this belief still serving me?" “Do I feel shame or guilt around certain feelings or attractions?" Try talking to someone you trust, maybe a queer friend or an ally, to see how they view their own queerness. I promise that every question, no matter how small, takes you a step closer to liberation.
5. Explore at your own pace
The idea of diving into your identity can feel overwhelming. Trust me, I was terrified of the unknown at the beginning. I always tell people that coming out is WAY more than telling the world that you’re queer and dating whomever, it’s about rediscovering who you are.
For me, the process wasn’t immediate. I didn’t have my first crush on a woman in middle school, and I didn’t have that “aha” moment until much later in life. And that’s perfectly fine. I took my time, allowing myself to date different people, question my desires, and learn at our my pace. I truly believe there’s no wrong way to go about it. We all come to this place of self-realization at different points in life, and there’s no rush to get there.
I thought I had to figure out every single detail about myself right away—but that’s just not how life works. In fact, it took me years of questioning and exploring to get to where I am today, and there’s absolutely no rush for you, either. The timeline of self-discovery is unique for everyone.
What you can do:
Start small. Maybe that looks like reading a book or article about queerness to gain some perspective. Or you might listen to a documentary or podcast (like my podcast, Simply Sapphic!) to hear other people’s experiences. Let your curiosity take the lead and explore when you're ready. Whether it's talking to others or simply reflecting on your feelings, you can take things one step at a time, with no pressure to figure it all out at once.
6. Surround yourself with supportive people
Finding a supportive community is one of the most important parts of this journey. Trust me, I wouldn't have figured out things without the people around me. For a long time, I felt like I was navigating everything alone, but the moment I started opening up to others, it was like the weight lifted. It’s easy to feel isolated when you’re questioning your identity, but finding people who get it and have been through something similar can make all the difference.
When I first started to understand my queerness, I didn’t have all the answers, and neither did the people around me. But over time, I found queer friends who really saw me for who I was—and they made me feel so much less alone. It’s a beautiful thing to be in spaces where you can speak freely, ask questions, and know that you won’t be judged. We leaned on each other, supported each other through doubts, and celebrated each other’s growth. You deserve that kind of support, too.
What you can do:
Find your people. There are so many online groups, social media communities (like mine!), and local 2SLGBT+ events that you can get involved in—whether virtually or in-person, depending on what feels safest for you. Even if it feels intimidating, don’t be afraid to ask questions or share your feelings with people who understand. If you're not quite ready for a group yet, reach out to a close friend, a mentor, or anyone you trust. Having that support system will help you feel more grounded and remind you that you're not doing this alone.
7. It’s Okay to Be Uncertain
Let me tell you, uncertainty is completely normal in this process. No one has it all figured out from the get-go, and even after you think you’ve got it figured out, you might still feel a little unsure. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. If anything, it shows that you’re doing the work to explore, question, and understand your own identity.
Queerness isn’t something that has to fit into a neat box or follow a specific set of rules. It’s fluid, it’s personal, and it’s yours to define. You might not have all the answers right now—and that’s okay. What matters is that you're showing up for yourself and giving yourself the grace to grow and evolve. Your queerness is beautiful, no matter what shape or form it takes. It’s yours, and that’s what makes it special.
What you can do:
Embrace the uncertainty. It’s okay to not know exactly where you fit yet. Keep questioning, exploring, and listening to yourself. Your journey is yours alone, and there’s no deadline on self-discovery. Allow yourself the space to figure it out, at your own pace, and also allow yourself to not ever know! Take it from me, just ditch the idea of if you're queer or straight and just be you, and if that you means you date people of the same sex, then that's just what's real for you.
In Conclusion: Be kind to yourself, and just be
If you’re straight, then you’re straight. But if something in this post resonated with you, or the fact that you’re even asking the question is an indication—well, that’s worth paying attention to. It’s okay to be unsure. Your journey is yours to define, and there’s no rush to label yourself. If you feel like you’re somewhere in-between or questioning what you’ve been taught about attraction, there’s nothing wrong with exploring those feelings. What’s important is that you’re giving yourself the space to figure it out.
If you look at the difference between me then...
And now...
...you’ll notice a clear shift in how I carry myself—how I stand, the way I dress, and even how I show up on camera. Before, I was desperately trying to fit into a box that wasn’t made for me. Now, I look more comfortable in my own skin. I feel more authentic, at peace, and so much more confident just being myself.
So, if you’re feeling squeezed into something that doesn’t quite fit, or if you’ve been struggling to mold yourself into an idea of who you “should” be, give yourself the same freedom to explore, question, and discover. You might just find that, like me, you’ll feel a whole lot lighter when you allow yourself to be exactly who you are. Your identity is yours to embrace in whatever way feels right for you.
Take it slow, breathe through it, and give yourself the grace to explore. And remember—you're not alone on this journey. You’re exactly where you need to be.
